Many people have told me over the course of my life that ““What other people think about you is none of your business.” Early in my life, and even in recent times, I had striven to be liked, to not upset people, to keep the peace, but I found all I managed to do was put myself in a twist trying to please everyone in all things.
When I was first told this quote, “What Other People Think of me is None of my Business”, it was one of those light bulb moments. You know the one when it all seems so clear and simple. I realized in an instant that what people think about me, truly isn’t about me. It is about them, not me. Their thoughts are not my business. It is theirs.I had been striving for the impossible. To always be thought of in the “right way” by other people. While it is “nice” to be highly thought of by others, I now understand that it is far more beneficial, and far more achievable to be highly thought of by myself.
Are you a people pleaser, but harbour deep felt resentment in doing so? It is impossible to make everyone happy with the choices we make. If you worry about getting everyone’s approval, you’d never get anywhere. If you let what others think of you become your business, it will consume all of your time and energy, draining you of the ability to move on in your life.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean being completely ignorant of others feelings, but rather their thoughts about you. You cannot change their mind by constantly worrying and stressing about what they think of you. What you can do, is be the person you are truly meant to be and feel comfortable with that. More than comfortable though, be the person that you want to spend your time with. Forget the thoughts about you from others and concentrate on the thoughts you have about yourself.
I have done a lot of soul searching in recent years and have finally learned to accept and love the person I am without having to put on any fronts. I no longer live my life based on what others might think of me, whether it be negative or positive. We all like to hear those positive thoughts from others, but remember that whatever the thoughts from others are, it “Is None of Our Business”. The words from others are useless unless we believe them to be true in our own hearts.
I originally wrote this article over a year ago. Recent events have highlighted what an important topic it still is to so many people around the world and I thought it was timely to re-post.
Enjoy, and remember “What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business” and in reality they probably have other things on their minds other than what you are doing 🙂
Love this article!
Thanks for your comments Robyn and Jackie. This one especially was written from my own experiences with being a people pleaser, but not really liking what I was doing for myself. I used to take what people said about what I was doing or not doing to heart. Finally I realised that the comments that were being made was more about them and their own issues and agendas than anything that I had done or said. What a sense of freedom once I understood that!
This sounds so much like me. Used to spend my time running around making sure everyone else was happy and never saying what I really thought about anything in case I upset them. Didn’t work though. So much better being happy with who I am
Sorry but I find this to be self righteous and self promoting. The reason the world is continuing to be such a mess is because people can’t think passed themselves.If you really didn’t care what people thought of you you wouldn’t be soliciting comments and publishing the couple of positive ones you get each month. What you are really saying is “I DO CARE what people think…but only if they agree with me”.
Thanks for your comment. The point I was trying to make with this article was that we have no control over what people think about us – not that we shouldn’t care. I DO CARE about others feeling and thoughts, and not only those that agree with me. As a person that always tried to change the way I acted and behaved in order to please others so they would “think better of me” all I managed to do was tie myself up in knots, and I didn’t really like that person that I had become. By being honest with myself, whilst respecting others views, without continuously changing my thoughts to suit the company I am with, has allowed me to be a truly happy person. I would love to hear your further thoughts on this topic.
Thankyou Brenda, this article is great! Too many times, I personally have bowed to pressures of those around me to act and think like them and then feeling totally miserable because its not how I felt at all. I grew up feeling like this and its only as an adult I have learned an continue to learn that the only person you are responsible to answer too is myself. To be truly happy with who I am is ok, and if others cannot deal with that then sorry its ‘their’ issue not mine and I can no longer worry what they think or feel about my decisions about me. Thankyou again xx
As A younger women in the time we live in, i believe in this statement 100%. I spent half my younger years worrying about what this person said or how that person felt about me. It is most certainly not self righteous or self promoting to encourage self belief. After all, that is clearly what this article is about. Making people stronger, happier and more confident to deal with the so call “mess” everybody must deal with these days. the problem is not that people cant think passed themselves, it is simply that most people cant think FOR themselves as they are too busy twisting and turning into the ideal person for everyone except themselves. Thank you Brenda you are truly inspiring. I think it is time that more people step outside the square. Obviously some people are more than happy to continue being sheep. Change your thoughts…… Change your life! PS- your the best mum. x
Very well said..
Thank you for your comment Dawn.
I thought it was well written as well 🙂
wow! absolutely agree, thanks for the wisdom
Thank you for your comment K
Great site. Good info :)!
Great blog, bookmarked it to show my friends :)!
Thank for this great information. I really look forward to reading your new posts
A fantastic ınternet site. Many thanks for the hard work to help out everyone
Hello, thank you very much for this post. I do worry a lot about what people think of me, and don’t tell people what I really think about anything in case i upset them. It is not an easy thing to change
I have had an experience with people telling lies about me to my face. I thought later that I should have told them that what they think or say about me is none of my business, so what are they telling me their business for? Has anyone ever said this to someone and if so, how did they react?
I am not aware of anyone specifically telling someone this, so I don’t know their reaction, if this occurred. I think it is important that we don’t become emotionally involved in what other people say or think about us. We have no control over what people think about us, and by continuously trying to change our actions or thoughts to fit in with others, we are not being true to ourselves.
If a person is telling lies about you to your face, YOU know the truth, and that is what is important. By giving time and credit to these lies, you are simply adding fuel to their fire.
Thank you for your comment Virginia, and I look forward to hearing from you again.
good stuff 🙂
By not caring what others think about you, it frees you from the stress of feeling bad about who you are as a person. I say who cares what you think of me….I know I am an awesome, powerful, and strong person and if someone doesn’t like it they don’t have to be around me.
I think it is important to have a strong personal self worth Sarah. Good on you for having that 🙂
I totally agree with this. Whoever disagrees clearly doesn’t understand. Especially being a gay male, you really have to learn that and it is painful when you listen to what people say about you and believe it to be true. I am a smart person whose focus is on how to live my life better and if strangers who never met you before judges you just by your sexuality, then why in the world should it matter? Or about any type of situation, I guess people are going to think what they want regardless. The only one anyone can control is themselves.
Thank you for your comments Dan. I really like what you said about “The only one anyone can control is themselves”
This is true, no matter what situation you are in or what it is people are talking about. No matter what people say – it really is not our business.
The most important thing is that are happy with your life, and if people choose to judge others – that is entirely out of our control. Thanks again for your input
“The Person is Products of His Environment”.
(this is a trial to translate from Hebrew, I just hope that I have managed to translate the meaning).
Obviously it is important to know and understand what others think of us.
We (individuals) are not alone on earth; we (individuals) are part of society and hence socializing
and mingling with others is a day to day activity.
We influence others and they influence us.
Having said that, each and one of us are unique (my mom told me that I am unique),
and have own shape of mind.
We should be thoughtful of others, we should listen to others’ thoughts and
opinions about us. We will then decide whether their opinions’ intention is to improve
our lives, or are these just negatively (or maybe positively) biased, and seek ways
to have a more pleasant life.
Wish you all the best (as per your opinion of what best is) 🙂
Thank you Sam for you comments.
This is the beauty of choice – we can choose to let others influence our lives or not.
If we continually tried to please everyone, we would spend our lives running around in circles. That is not to say that we do not listen and be active members of our community being considerate of others.
Gosh I know the feeling BIG TIME! I think I had the same light bulb moment awhile back. We finally get to the point where we realize that everyone has a opinion and everyone is not always going to like you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO! So I find that being at my best everyday and having a heart for others is all I can do!
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what people think about you if you just realized how little they do.” – Dr. Phil
Great Post!!
Your are right Roshanda – people don’t think about us as much as we think they do :)……and even if they do, there is nothing we can do to change those thoughts.
Hey Brenda, interesting story and I can honestly reflect on this. I think as human beings we’re to focused on trying to please everyone else but ourselves.
Yes Fabrizio – we cannot truly please everyone else unless we are first pleased with ourselves. Thank you for sharing
Thank you so much for this post and everyone for comenting!! I’ve spent my whole life worrying what others think of me and can’t seem to shake it off either. Today I had a horrible day at work (had to go home sick) with my manager basically saying that I’m not really ill. I’m now worrying myself (more) sick of what people are saying/thinking and how they’re going to act when I come back to work. I really hope that my light bulb moment will come very soon so all the worrying will stop taking over my life because it surely is tireing:)! I am truly happy for all of you that are now strong enough to stop worrying and love themselves. This is very inspireing to read so I might get there one day soon myself!
Claire, I very much believe that we have no control over what other people say or think, so why make myself worried about it? I look to what I have control over, and that is only ONE thing….myself.
If I am in a situations that is upsetting, the first thing I do is look at what I can do about the situation. Not always an easy thing to do, but a necessary step.
Thank you for sharing and best wishes with this situation. Remember, do something about the things you can, and leave the worrying about what others think behind you. Your worrying does nothing to alleviate the situation – only upsets you which is not a step forward
Thank you very much for your reply! I feel loads better already and will be working hard on myself to not worry about things I can’t control. In the mean time Ive been going through your other posts and have already learnt a lot more about making my own choices in life etc. I think your such a wise and inspirational person and will be recommending your site to others ‘in need’ here in the UK thank you very much.
P.s. It’s so lovely that you take time to reply to everyone too!
Thanks so much for your feedback Claire – it is very much appreciated. Also thanks for recommending my site to others 🙂
You can also find Mind Recipes on facebook where I post every day.
Let me know how you go with your steps forward, and I will look forward to reading some more from you.
I only learned this great advice recently – ooohhh those wasted years of trying to be thought of well by everyone. It is impossible. Life is so much better now
That’s great to hear Lattia Wishing you all the best for your future
wow thankyou for this inspiritional article, being in highschool isn’t easy with all the rumors and mean jokes or just bullying for that matter, i hope to one day accept myself for whatever my interest are and to not care what people say to or about me.
Frank – while we can’t do anything about others behaviors, we have the ability to determine our outlooks to what is happening. As hard as it is (especially when you are at school) keep focusing on what is important to you.
Don’t wait for one day to accept yourself and your interests – start today. Believe in yourself.
Hold your head high and follow your dreams. Take care and thank you for sharing
Very impressed by this post – a great lesson to earn
Thank you Macca
This is an awesome article and something I have come to believe within the past, oh, about 5-6 years. It’s like something my dad told me when I was younger and it finally clicked. He used to tell me “There are two types of problems in the world: those you can fix and those you can’t. The ones you can fix, fix them. The ones you can’t, don’t worry about it because they’ll work themselves out one way or another.” His words are very much in line with the whole “What people think of you are none of your business” because you can’t always fix the way people think of you because each person is entitled to their own opinion, however it was formed. To expect otherwise would be like expecting everyone to have the same favorite color! Clearly impossible! 🙂
Thank you for your comments Marisa – I agree with your Dad – wise words.
I think too often people spend time worrying about things out of their control and in the meantime, do nothing about what they have control over.
Welcome to Mind Recipes and I look forward to reading more from you. 🙂
I’m a huge fan from Norway – Lots of love!
Really enjoyed reading this post – bought some things to light for me
Learned this a long time ago – best thing. You can’t please everyone
Absolutely Des – a lesson well worth learning
My sentiments exactly — every single word of it!!! Couldn’t have said it better myself even if I tried — and trust me, I have tried, lol
GREAT post, GREAT website, Keep em coming!!!
Thank you Evelyn and welcome to Mind Recipes.
We can’t control what others say or do – the only thing we can do is control our reactions. A very powerful thought really!
Hi Brenda,
Thank you for your enlightening post, it really is wonderful and has made me feel a sense of calm because, although rationally I know it doesn’t matter, a lot of my time and headspace is taken up by caring what others think of me. If I’m not worrying about that, I’m worrying about what people might think of me in the future and if I’m not worrying about that, I’m worrying about the fact that I’m not worrying! It really isn’t very peaceful at all. I was wondering how you got to the stage you are currently at: having gone from a people pleaser to someone who seems extremely centred and in touch with herself, and doesn’t take the opinions of others seriously. I would love to get to this point but it seems very out of reach. I have recently decided to walk away from a difficult friendship because my friend wasn’t treating me well. Today’s worry is what she is thinking about me because I confided in her a lot previously and am worried she has spoken to other people about what I’ve told her as my other friends seem to have stopped talking to me. This has given my brain cause to panic and worry about what’s being said about me. Your help would be very much appreciated. xx
Thank you for your kind words Jenny.
How did I get to this point in my life after being a people pleaser? A tough question…and I will answer as best I can.
It came down to a decision for me. I came to the realization that there are some people that were in my life that no matter what I did or said I couldn’t please them and then when I tried to please them – other people became upset. I tried to second guess and work out what they were thinking and saying which only made me miserable.
As I said – a decision that there are certain things that I have no control over and what others say or think about me is out of my control. The only person that I have control over is myself and my actions – so this is what I focused on.
I still care greatly about my friends, family and people I come into contact with but when I “know” that I am living my life with integrity and to the best of my abilities – there is nothing more I can do. If they choose to be unhappy and discuss my actions with others – then that is their business – not mine. I also discovered that I had been adding fuel to the fire by expecting that others were talking about me……..when it turned out that because I was on-edge that this was causing their distance.(What you expect – you will find)
The one question I now ask myself is “Does it really matter and do I really need the approval of these people?” I have learned that for me – it is more important to have the approval of myself.
Thank you for your input and I hope that I have answered your question. I look forward to reading more from you. Kind regards – Brenda
Hi Brenda,
Thank you so much for your reply! Your experiences are fascinating to read and mimic my own to some degree. I find that I generally do as I please and don’t actively try to please other people, but my mind is constantly bombarding me with a barage of potential things people might be thinking or saying about me which causes me great anxiety. I am at the beginning of a spiritual journey, have just started meditating and I’m learning about the ego/ lower self that craves approval from others. I don’t mean to be all Freudian but think a lot of it goes back to childhood: my father left when I was 11 without a backwards glance and I’m pretty sure my need for approval is related to the fear of being rejected again and a repeat of the hurt I went through when I was younger. It’s great to see you and other people putting into practice the kind of attitude I am trying to create for myself. Very inspirational and your reply has made my day! xx
Hi Jenny,
Your story is very similar to mine with your father etc. and it really hit home when you said that this might be the reason of needing approval from others. I struggle with it every day and hope I something finally will ‘click’ within me very soon to not care as much what other think/say. I do feel a lot better that there are others out there and reading posts on this site makes me a lot more positive. I hope you find your path soon too but just wanted to let you know that I also feel like you do at the moment!
Take care, Claire
Hi Claire,
It was so sweet of you to write, thank you. It certainly is reassuring to know there are others like me out there, especially as it can feel quite isolating sometimes: all my friends seem so well-adjusted and I’m a neurotic mess in comparison (at least I feel that way!) I definitely think that childhood experiences contribute to your mindset as an adult. For someone who has suddenly lost a parent, whether through divorce or death, they may subconsciously feel this was their fault or what they deserved and might monitor what they say or what others think of them as a result. I definitely feel that this is a pattern that can be changed, I just need to find a way! For me, it’s a case of quieting your mind. Sometimes it feels like my thoughts are out to get me and when I do meditation, I feel better and less wrapped up in my ‘what if?’ thoughts. I really hope things get better for you. It was really kind of you to message me, thank you! xx
Jenny and Claire
Thank you so much for both sharing your experiences here. I am sure that it helps many people who are reading these posts.
No matter what our past has given us, we are able to create our futures and this is something that I decide every day. That is not to say that sometimes those thoughts come back – they do. When this happens I allow myself to feel those emotions and also find that meditating definitely helps me also.
A decision that my future is up to me by what I do every day gives me a sense of power over my past experiences – the best feeling in the world for me 🙂
Great seeing this interaction – your posts helped me too. Thank you
I was wondering what your thoughts are on Law Of Attraction Brenda and if you use it yourself? I have recently come across this and been reading up a lot about it and have to say this has already made me more positive. All your posts seem to have the same positive vibe about them.
Jenny if you want to perhaps swap our email addresses I can send you some links that I have found on this subject that I have found very useful and I think it could possibly help you too with letting go etc? Mine is kler17@gmail.com if you want to contact me (don’t feel that you have to though)!
xx
Hi Claire and Brenda,
I’ve wondered about the Law of Attraction too as people seem to rave about it. I read The Secret and didn’t really think it was for me, but perhaps there are better books out there. At the moment, I’m giving meditation and spirituality a shot and finding it works very well for me. I’m about to embark on a year-long meditation course which will be intense but I also think it’ll be necessary. I completely agree Brenda that regardless of how helpless we may have been in the past, we have control over our futures. I think the fact that I am so sensitive to what other people say and think of me can get in the way sometimes and I really don’t want it to. I don’t think anyone should live their lives based on the expectations of other people. Claire, thank you for your e-mail address, I’ll send you an e-mail!
Jenny xx
i lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve you so much you make my day and my life i am so happy now .
Thank you for visiting and for your lovely comment Afrah.
I will forward to reading more from you soon 🙂 Love Brenda
Hi Brenda
I have been getting your posts on facebook for a few months now. It is good to see your articles here also. I think you hit the nail on the head for me for a few things. I certainly have a habit of feeling anxious about an hour after talking to people or even putting a post on the net, and it stems to second guessing what people are thinking or saying. I had a counsellor which told me I didn’t want to know what he thought. And another which says they like me. 🙂
But I have to remind myself, that I say things I think are good to say, and I have nothing to be ashamed about. My lovely wife is an encouragement. She says I has a good heart. Self improvement is a journey, from “I have come to suck your energy”, through to being an inspiration when I can. I find criticism, giving it and getting it, can be a problem. And have found the internet can be a horrible place at times.
It is so good to see how it can be used well. Keep up the good work.
Ray,
I agree that the internet can be a horrible place at times: people have free reign to assert themselves and slander others in a way that they may not in the ‘real world’. My advice is not to take them too seriously and, if possible, to avoid certain forums which are overridden with trolls and people who say horrible things.
Absolutely agree here Jenny. I have chosen not to frequent sites or forums with negative or horrible messages.
I am aware they are out there but choose not to focus on them. In my experience I have only ever met or had contact with amazingly warm and friendly people – a bit like real life for me.
People do tend to say things on the net that they may not say in person but I have a choice – I simply log out and move on 🙂 This is different from having a different opinion with someone – I love to hear new viewpoints as long as respect is shown both ways.
Thank you again Jenny – your reply to the Law of Attraction question is nearly finished will send through in next few days.
Thank you for visiting my site Ray and also for your contributions on facebook.
Self development is definitely a journey – which is sometimes filled with backward steps and that is ok – we are human.
Every year I take stock of where I am and what I have achieved and write this down. To go back and read just how far I have come is a great inspiration to keep going especially when those “backward steps” arrive. This has probably been the best tool in my self improvement journey.
Thank you for your kind words and also for sharing with us. I will look forward to reading many more 🙂
awesome -I really liked what you’ve said and totally agree of every word =D
“What people think of me is not my problem, it’s none of my business”
The whole quote belongs to Terry Cole-Whittaker
Love this – sending it on to a few friends who need to read this NOW!
Really helpful – thank you
Your site is very valuable – enjoy reading through all your posts. Thanks!…
Excellent. I cant wait to read more. This helped me see my relationship in a different light
Thank you for sharing this valuable information.
Apologize for poor English I am visiting your site from Japan 😀 Enjoyed this
Best article ever -even though you don’t think it is any of your business – love it
Loved this – thanks
Love this article so much.
Thank you Jerry and welcome to Mind Recipes
I recently had to terminate the close friendship of an old friend because such a phrase became her mantra in reinventing herself via a mound of self-help books. Normally it is a good cross-reference with your self-esteme to operate by, but becomes a problem when one holds it as absolute logic in their minds. The statement can give some people the permission to avoid responsibility. There is no excuse for being inconsiderate or disrespectful regardless of whether you are speaking the phrase or hearing it, but it is a great tool to help you survive the negative treatment of others.
I absolutely agree with you here Zeigh. This doesn’t give you permission to treat others poorly.
I wrote this article from my experience with people spending so much of their valuable time worrying and stressing about whether people approved of them or their actions – something we really have no control over.
Thank you for visiting Mind Recipes. I would love to hear more.
You asked for more, so I will add one more thing…
Beware of the “Universalist”. I am not talking about someone with wonderfully open religious views or an alien traveler that lands on your doorstep; I am warning you of the person that looks to the Universe for ALL of their wisdom. They regurgitate one line after another from some self-help book that they read or fire-walking seminar that they attended, all aimed at making sense of their character deficiencies or bad luck. They take rules of thumb that your grandmother taught you and turn them into absolute law, punishable by execution of reason. The truth of the matter is that the Universe can’t be defined in black and white, or even in technicolor for that matter.
This particular article has great wisdom, because it is balanced in offering an alternative to dealing with an often over-demanding world. Come to think of it, so do most of the other self-help books that I have ever browsed in the waiting room of my shrink. The ever-so-important key that so many references fail to mention is not to take their advice as your eternal gospel. Instead, use your intellect, your heart, your vast experiences, and your raw intuition to make rational choices on how to live your life to it’s fullest. Simply repeating the latest self-help fad phrase again and again doesn’t do anyone any good, especially you. It’s perfectly healthy to be consistently inconsistent.
Yup, there is a wonderfully euphoric Universe out there, but we all still live on Planet Earth. Please stay grounded in your search for intergalactic enlightenment….
Thank you once again Zeigh for sharing your thoughts on this subject.
No matter what happens to us – we still have ultimate responsibility for the actions we take after the “event” and to me, that is a great feeling that I have control over my results in life. Not the things that happen, but what I do with what happens.
I think it is true that people will think as they want. And most of the time it is uninformed presumptions and ignorance. While this exists. And we do need to learn how to let it fade into the background and not have any place in our thoughts and mind. For I think if we get energy from defying them, we have tapped into an energy which is not good for us. Indeed it also stops us from being the real us we truly are.
While this world is very dysfunctional in places and at times, learning to overcome this and be you with nothing to prove to anyone is most important. Then you can do as you please and be happy with yourself just the way you are. Sure we all want to improve our skills and grow in many ways personally. But it should never be a burden, but always a joy, to just be and to be at your own pace in your own way. True unconditional love for self, is the foundation of how we love others.
And if there are things you don’t like about yourself, consider where those ideas came from. It was not you. It was from others who didn’t know any better and have their own issues. When it comes down to it. There is a lot of strife and pain in life, and we must learn to not let it affect us adversely. Lets try and leave spite and rebellion out of it.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Love is our greatest tool to self, and our greatest weapon against all enemies. As true unconditional love, accepts others, helps make them feel good about themselves. Those who feel good tearing others down are simply sick. Don’t let them infect you. Don’t despise them, feel sorry for them, and let love flow to them to forgive them in your hearts. Such is true freedom to be you.
… and as far as self help adice is concerned… something to note is this. We can only process what we are ready to process. So some deep advice may be taken way out of context and to extreme for those who don’t have much life experience and have not tried to work things out for themselves. I think it is important to ponder and try and understand from your own point of view, for in doing so you are “solving the problems” actively and even proactively. Where as there are so many that just PARROT what someone else said, from one extreme to another.
As a good books once said, to the ignorant, their version of compassion is other persons version of cruelty. We are so limited to our experiences and perceptions. For us all to see everything the same way is not possible without trying to learn to see another point of view.
When all is said and done, I believe it comes down to ATTITUDE. Attitude is like “a spirit”. It involved INTENTION and BELIEFS and FEELING. True spiritual growth, in my opinion, is based around keeping a sweet attitude towards life and learning to do so at all times. So when another is misbehaving, we don’t judge them, we merely show them a better way. But again, everyone has to learn their own lessons. And most of us will never see exactly the same angle as another, as we all have different experiences, goals and dreams.